Miscopium- to ineffectively deal with something difficult
Lately, i’ve started staring into nothingness and thinking back on “better” times. I feel like my brains been stuck in a ditch, unable to squirm out the mud. Countless afternoons that i’ve spent alone in the quietness of my pitch black room only make the zoning out worse. Reminiscing on the good ol days at 16 is kind of wacky considering how much time I HOPEFULLY have left in this life. I always get into my own head and make things worse for myself, which kinda sucks, right?
Beautiful memories flood my brain the moment im alone for more than 30 minutes. Flashbacks of a little boy not even realizing how special the moments he is actively participating in would mean to him in the future. His dad treating him with so much love and care because he misses him and regrets his personal choices, a loving grandmother who would outright shove the tastiest food ever conceived into his mouth, and having his mom joke about how chubby he gets after he comes back from grandma’s. These moments are things I hold so near and dear to my heart and would give anything to revisit for just one day.
While yeah, I DID have such incredible moments as a kid, they were far from all good. Numerous beatings from men who had no relation to me, other than dating my mother. A twisted “uncle” who I would get shipped to had I misbehaved, who would end up doing the same thing those men did to me. These things are what formed me into the person I am today. it’s kinda unfair to my current self to just discredit all of the good memories that i’ve made recently, KNOWING how bad some of my prior memories have been compared to my life now. Which is my main issue. Why is it that, despite having a moderately good life, my mind is so obsessed over FEELING bad?“Is there something wrong with me?” I often find myself questioning. That emotion of self pity would last a couple hours before I start thinking introspectively and realize how much of a loser i’m acting like. My mind snaps back and starts off where it left off, before my little sad episode. I tell myself it will all change when I graduate, which I still hold hope for.
Too many times have I seen grown men whine and complain about anything and everything. Most of these men would be my mothers ex boyfriends or something of that nature. To me, it was like seeing someone who was meant to be the provider/protector of my mother act as if it was the exact opposite. Countless of times would I hear them whine and make the hasty decision of staying home from work because they feel just a little sick or tired while she would get up everyday and work, rarely missing a day, in order to ensure her (then 3) kids have a place to live and food to fill their stomachs every night. I think this, in a way, made me loathe complaining about things that are effecting me because it reminded me of how weak I saw those men. To this day i struggle with talking about how I feel without getting upset or angry.
While I don’t believe there is something SUPER wrong with me, my childhood has definitely permanently effected my everyday life, at-least currently. Combining my dislike of talking about issues regarding myself and my consistent “depressive” episodes, it’s quite the struggle to function sometimes. Even while typing this I feel like im being dramatic and searching for attention.
So what is my solution? What can I do to cope with my edgy newly found nihilistic feelings of nothing matters? How do I stop reminiscing on the past as if it was better than my life now? I don’t know! The truth is, I’m just a 16 year old kid with so much development and learning to still do before I kick the bucket. I take comfort in knowing that I DO have time to learn. All my mistakes are just that, mistakes. No matter how many Reddit searches or Quora deep dives I do, there probably isn’t a better cure than simply thuggin it out and learning as I go on. Allowing for the answer to come to me, because looking for it hurts just a little more.
